Diagnosis.

So I finally went back to see my therapist and my psychiatrist a few weeks ago. Here's the events from that.

I am officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder (possibly recurrent) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I was started on Pristiq for the depression. For the PTSD I am on Lunesta to help me sleep and hopefully diminish the nightmares. I now have some pills to take when I have my intense anxiety/panic attacks. It isn't really helping well so I see my doc again next week and I will try to discuss with him if there are any better options.

The PTSD is all related to my history of sexual abuse. The first thing I remember happening to me was when I was very young. Our regular babysitter was sick so her older brother (about 17ish) watched my sister and I instead. I remember him taking my sister, who was about 2 or 3 at the time, and I into my parents room and shutting the door. The lights were dim and he made us lay there while he stroked himself. He ended up asking us to kiss it, stroke it, put it in our mouths, etc. My sister doesn't remember this at all, which is understandable with how young she was, but I recall it very vividly. The second, and worst, thing that happened to me was my first marriage. The entire two years of my marriage I think I may have consented to sex enough times to count on one hand. He was very forceful and would often take hours to finish. I remember laying in bed crying as he had sex with me and told me over and over how "if I was better at it" or "if you didn't lay there and not actually try to be sexy" he wouldn't take so long. I was forced to perform oral sex if I did something wrong or lost an argument. I'm sure to some people you may not understand.. but what he did was rape. Just because he was legally my husband.. it was still rape. It took me a very long time to come to terms with it and be able to say it out loud. I am not ashamed anymore when someone asks me about the situation and I tell them. 9 times out of 10 the response I get is "rape? But he's your husband.. I mean how does that work?"

I have learned to educate people that there are so many different ways women can suffer from sexual trauma and to degrade me for saying he raped me only helps me understand why I took nine years after the marriage to finally seek help. I was ashamed and afraid that I wouldn't be taken seriously. Therapy has helped me to understand that I was not at fault, that I wasn't doing anything wrong, and that what he did to me was wrong.. plain and simple.

I know that many of you women out there are afraid to talk about what happened to you.. whether it be a situation like mine or a rape by a stranger. I want to tell you that you are not at fault. You didn't do anything to put yourself in the situation that you were in. The person who hurt you was a deeply damaged individual who wanted to control you, to feel that sense of power. Rape is about control. Most rapists say they don't do it for the sexual pleasure but for the control they feel.

By not seeking help, by not helping yourself to heal, you are only hurting yourself. Don't let that person control you for the rest of your life. The trauma may have only lasted minutes, or in my case years, but they still have a sort of control over you for so much longer after that. I know in my life it controlled my relationship with my sons father who I loved very much. I never fully trusted him. I wanted to.. but I was deeply afraid that he would leave me, or hurt me. I let the feelings of "i'm not good enough" and "If I did suchandsuch better he would love me enough to want me to be his wife.." etc. It effected our sex life because I was always afraid to make the first move in bed. I couldn't be the one who initiated sex. It brought back the feelings of insecurity I had from the ex telling me I was a whore and a slut all of the time. I never opened my heart fully to him because I was scared that If I did I would somehow be opening myself up to the pain I felt back then all over again. I never once thought that he would ever do something like that to me.. but because of my past I couldn't make the fear go away. I was consumed with irrational thoughts.

To this day I push away the people I love once things get too serious and I realize that they might be going somewhere. Why? I don't know really.. but I know it's related to the fear. I chose that man to be my husband. We said vows in front of 150 people.. family and friends who loved us. He didn't even wait till after the honeymoon to start his controlling behavior. He started demanding strange things.. like that I leave the door open to the bathroom and brush my teeth in my underwear. He started screaming yelling fights in our honeymoon suite and even out in the streets where people would be looking at us from everywhere. The point is that the man I took vows with.. the one person I thought I could trust and love for the rest of my life.. the person I thought could protect me.. Ended up being the person I needed protection from. That's something you just don't get over easily.

If you have been through a rape, trauma, molestation, physical abuse, or anything that was traumatic to you... Please don't be afraid to seek help. It's the best thing I could have done for myself. You can't handle everything yourself. You don't need to be ashamed or afraid. There are people out there who have been through what you have gone through. You deserve to get better too. Please find a local Therapist who specializes in rape and trauma. It will be the best thing you could possibly do for yourself. You deserve to find yourself again. You deserve to get rid of the fear that controls your life.

My Goals.

So I'm a huge fan of Chalene Johnson, A fitness trainer and very inspirational woman who is always preaching about the power of believing in yourself and making goals and to-do lists.

So.. In the spirit..

My goals for the future:
1) Finish my BSN since I am already into it.
2) 150lbs. Oh yeah.. It's a long way off.. but it's my goal.
3) Find relief from my chronic pain through medical treatment, diet, and exercise.
4) Become a certified personal trainer. I am hoping to someday be able to help others with my nursing knowledge and the experience I will have gained from my current endeavor to get healthier.
5) I am thinking about finding a way to use my history of rape/sexual/domestic abuse to help other people. I haven't decided yet just how that is.

Short-term goals:
1) Remind myself everyday something in my life that I am thankful for. I have so much bad in my life right now it's easy to forget about the wonderful. I need to start reminding myself that I have a lot in my life to be grateful for and happy with.
2) Sort out my current financial situation.
3) Entirely cut out all liquid calories. *The occasional healthy fruit juice will be acceptable but only when ok with my caloric intake.
4) Track all foods eaten. You are more accountable when you can see it.
5) Find new ways to get active. It is difficult right now with the pain, but I know i need it.. for my weight, sanity, health, and back.
6) Return to therapy to continue to deal with the issues I have been facing recently along with the continued control that my sexual abuse history still holds on my life.
7) Come up with new things for this list every day :)

I struggle every day through pain, depression, fear, and loneliness. I am trying to change my way of life and my line of thinking to be more positive and let myself take some valuable life changing lesson out of this struggle I am in. I have heard countless people tell me pragmatic sunshiney-happy sayings like "don't worry.. it can only get better from here" and the ever popular "everything happens for a reason." While it's always wonderful to know that people love and care about you and worry about your physical and mental health, I have to tell you that hearing these things usually makes me want to either cry hysterically or slap someone.

NOW.. I know.. I know.. I just said I'm going to start trying to live my life all shiney-happy-glass-half-full.. and I am.. but I must admit that right now people who are like that make me want to pull my hair out. Maybe it's because I have NEVER been that way. I have always been a pessimist and a critic. I have too many bad experiences not to right? Well.. I am starting now.. I am going to be that annoyingly happy, chipper, glass half-full person. Will it make a difference? Who knows. I know I can't change it overnight but hopefully if I can sit down at the end of the day and look at whatever frustrating or bad thing happened to me and try to see the positive in that thing then I am off to a good start.

SO.. My Shiney-Happy moment for today: The whole family has cabin-fever. We've been locked up together for three straight days during a storm! While this storm completely tested my patience and ability to love and see my amazing little man and all he wonderful things he has learned .

Hello 2 am Epiphany.

Yes.. It is indeed 2 am. I am wide awake, currently calming down after a hysterical crying in pain fit. I am tired. I'm frustrated. I wish my life wasn't all about pain and misery all the time.

So I'm laying here thinking that if I can't do much for myself right now maybe I can help other people. I realize I'm a nobody and it's probable that no one will ever read this blog. Hell.. I have had it for a while and have 0 readers. I am not a professional writer, I am not an overly interesting person, I'm no one special to most people, but I do have many things in my life I feel other people could benefit from. Last night I had a talk with a friend who had suffered a rape many years back and while I was crying, telling her about things I go through, she said "oh honey.. that's perfectly normal."

NORMAL!!! Do you understand how life altering it can be to realize that the pain you feel, the reactions you have, what you are going through is actually ok?! It took my breath away.

So I am going to start this blog from scratch for the most part. I am going to delete alot of old non-issue posts and I am going to concentrate this blog on my life as someone who has survived sexual abuse at the hands of her spouse, as someone who has been dealing with severe depression her whole adult life, and as someone who is suffering from severe debilitating chronic pain. I know that there are many many people in the world who would have the same sigh of relief as I did last night knowing that someone else can understand what they are going through.

The first three blogs on this page detail my story of sexual abuse and difficulties with relationships after. It's sorta a "introduction" if you will. I also have suffered from chronic pain for 2 years in my lower back but in March of this year I was injured at work and I have been incapacitated for the most part ever since. I was denied workers comp, my job let me go, I can't get unemployment, I have no income, and my son and I have had to move back with my parents because of the whole ordeal. I was scheduled for surgery on my back on October 8th but three days before it my surgeon got word that the insurance company was denying the procedure for red tape BS. He appealed their decision and was again denied and rather than chose to continue to fight them he gave up. He even told me in the appointment that he "had made himself look bad in the eyes of the insurance doctors because they didn't agree with his course of treatment." I'm appalled at the fact that an insurance company has that much power over physicians. It's sad really.

I am a 29 year old single mother and I am a registered nurse who has specialized in trauma, orthopedics, and neurosurgery. I loved nursing and it's very hard for me not to be practicing my profession right now. I miss helping people so maybe this can be my way of helping. I am struggling with weight issues now too. Since the injury I have become mostly sedentary and I have gained a LOT of weight. I am embarking on a journey to help myself conquer my use of food addiction to feed my loneliness, physical pain, depression, and stress.

I will try to write a blog regularly. I have not decided on a schedule yet but my goal for this week since it is already almost friday will be to get one more in this week. I hope to find new readers and people who are interested in learning more about the subjects that have effected my life.

I am going to start making goals for myself. It's hard to see the sunshine through the clouds sometimes.. and I have had many clouds in my life.. but I am going to start seeking the sunshine. It's all I can do!

Independent Medical Exam..

So tomorrow is my big day..

I have an "independent medical exam" to be done by a second neurosurgeon. He will have all my old films and CT scans and MRI's and he will look at my medical records and decide if the surgery is really necessary. There will be a nurse who is supplied by the "intermediary" people who are supposed to be like mediating between me and the Workers comp insurance company. She will accompany me to the appt, wait in the waiting room till he's done examining me, then he will talk to her about his opinion. I guess from there she reports this to the insurance company and then they will decide what they are going to do.. Either approve the surgery as a workers comp pay or they will deny and I then begin the ordeal of fighting with my regular insurance to get this done already.

I am soooooo ready to move on with my life. I want to be able to wake up painfree. I realize I may not ever be completely rid of the pain... but I maintain that if it even decreased the pain level by 50% overall it would truly CHANGE MY LIFE.

In the meantime I'm continuing my bachelors degree, I'm not working, and I'm just waiting patiently for things to be decided.

I will try to remember to check in tomorrow and update on how the appt went. :)

Why do we always go back to those who hurt us?

No.. not me. I am perfectly single and at the moment I am ok with it. All the years that I tried so desperately hard to make things work with my sons dad I always had at least one really good friend standing behind me telling me that I needed to move on.

It's always hard to hear someone else telling you that you are making a bad decision.. that you are making a fool of yourself again. I never understood why my friends couldn't be happy for me and why they didn't understand that I loved him THAT much. Now I'm the one trying to hold back the advice so as not to hurt someone's feelings.

We always find it easier to hold on to the past and hope that it will get better than to move forward in our lives and allow ourselves to be happy with someone else. I know this all to well. I was so afraid of the future that I allowed myself to keep going back to a man who wasn't right for me. I still love him and will always cherish the time we spent together but he's never going to be able to give me what I need in a relationship. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do was get to the point in my life where I finally understand that.

It sucks being alone.. it really does. I have trouble sleeping some nights because I roll over reaching for someone who just isn't there. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who wants to spend their life with me and I guess I'm kinda starting to recognize the possibility that it will just be this way forever. It's hard and it hurts sometimes but I realize that regardless of all of that I am better off than spending my life with someone who I wasn't happy with. I spent 8 years trying to be someone else... Trying to be who he wanted, what he wanted, the person he needed. I felt like I had to change everything about myself to make myself someone worthy of his love. I spent every day of my life with him trying to figure out what else I needed to change to be the person he wanted me to be to finally be worthy of him wanting to marry me. After all those years and everything I tried to do to deserve a ring I finally realized I was never going to get it and I was never going to be able to change enough to make him love me the way I loved him.

I love with my whole heart and with everything I am. I deserve to find someone who loves me just as much. And so does the person who started this conversation. There is a reason things end the way they do.. You can't change the past. You can't pretend that everything is OK and you certainly can't forget the pain. As cheesy as it sounds you are a beautiful person. You can't just give up who you are for someone who didn't appreciate it before and certainly won't appreciate it now. I know how easy it is to let your mind wander and think that "this time things will be different" but I promise you they won't. Things will be all honeymoon happy for a while and then they will quickly resort back to the way they were. You know this.. it's happened before. So really why would you think it would be different the second or third time around? It won't. I'm sorry to say that.. you know I care about you. I'm not being hurtful.

Ah.. Love is a battlefield.

Oh my.. It's been a while!

So it's been a while since I posted. It turned out that there was something on the CT scan. The neurosurgeon found a bilateral pars defect at L5. I have since been out of work completely and awaiting workers comp to come to a decision about whether or not they will approve or deny the procedure. I have had ZERO income since then and things have not been going very well.

I am now moved out of my beautiful condo and back in with my mom and dad. I couldn't afford my place anymore and I didn't have the ability to get a roomate to help since it was only a two bedroom. A friend took over the condo and signed a new lease therefore relieving me of my contract. My landlord was very understanding and awesome about the whole ordeal. I'm still waiting to get my security deposit back.. hopefully soon since my car payment is already overdue and I have no income.

Workers Comp has not approved or denied my procedure and they are also not paying me for my lost income at this time. Because they still have it tied up I am unable to apply for short-term disability. I am beyond frustrated with the whole process right now and I am starting to feel like I'm being treated like a liar. I spend most of my days laying on a heating pad on pain meds. I have rare good days and try to take advantage of them when I can, but usually pay for it the next day with significantly worse pain than usual.

As far as my personal life goes.. who knows. I have met some really wonderful men lately but nothing that has gone anywhere beyond a few dates. I am baffled by the inability of most men to come right out and tell you that they are no longer interested. Is it really that hard? I just don't get it. Be a man.. don't just stop calling/texting. I guess it's hard enough for a man to want to get involved with a mom of a 7 year old but now add to it that I'm broken too.. I'm just not something that many men jump at the opportunity to be with. I'm ok with that I guess. I would love to be in love again and to feel like someone loved me.. but in the meantime I guess I really don't have time for all that in my life anyway. I have this back thing to work through and a lot of issues related to that. I figure someday maybe I'll find happiness again.. until then.. I have my son and I have my puppy... At least I know they love me unconditionally! I'm really only truly hurt by one of the guys.. it was more than just a few dates though. I really let myself start to let down my walls with him and of course felt like a jackass when he decided that regardless of any feelings he had for me he just didn't want to be with me. We are "friends" now.. so I guess at least there is that.

Oh well.. Time marches on and so shall I.

I don't know what else to ramble about right now.. I guess I'll just shutup for now. Will try to update more often.

Update

I am still not doing fabulous but I suppose I am getting along just fine.

Neurosurgeon doesn't believe that there is anything surgical. I am going back to follow up on tuesday to make sure that the results of the CT/Xray were ok. I am still on light duty until then. Hoping to get some steroid injections into the joint that he believes is severely inflamed. (My sacroiliac for those with some anatomical knowledge)

I have good days and bad. Last night was a decent day until I went to the movies to watch Transformers 2 and then by the end of the show I was dying. Ended up in tears at my friends house and he was totally flabbergasted at how to react to that. But he was sweet and did help by showing me he cared. I ended up not being able to sleep and driving home at 2:30 bc I didn't want to keep him up all night with my incessant tossing and turning and tears.

Life as I know it...

I went to the doctor that I have been seeing for my work injury on my back. It didn't go so well.

I have an inflamed nerve root at s1. What does that mean for me? I don't know. I am now referred to a neurosurgeon and on light duty again, but only until Monday. I get to return to full duty on Monday. I'm still having an exceptional amount of pain. It's debilitating. I am still waking up every single day in pretty severe pain, and I am unable to do many of the normal things I'd like to do in my life because of it. I can't walk far so I am not able to go to the mall, take my son for a walk to the park, etc. I can't workout. I can't spend alot of time sitting with Ethan while he plays outside.. It's depressing. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I am currently sitting in a patients room watching them lay there. That's pretty much my job for the day. The pt. is being ruled out for the fun fun flu (yes that one) So I am sitting here in a yellow gown, gloves, TB mask, and goggles. It's oh so hot. You know the thought of it makes you all hot...

I have NO idea how i'm gonna stay entertained until 3 :/ This is going to kill me. The chair is very uncomfortable. My poor back :(

Florida.. Here we come~!

You floridians have no idea what you're in store for.

Oh yes... You.. You in your souped up golfcart with shiney rims that you're driving down to the local pharmacy to pick up your blood pressure meds.. AND YES YOU.. crazy pain in the ass party kids who are there to get crunk and think they can pick up a one night stand....

You are in for an interesting weekend. See... Jenn and Jen are hitting the beach. Wear your BlueBlockers baby cause a pale ass redhead is going to pretend that the sun doesn't hate her like a fatman hates diet soda. I get to enjoy being a scathing bitch to random freaky dudes who try to pick me up... WHY? Because I'm on vacay and BY-GOSH I'm allowed to enjoy myself.. even if it's through other peoples misery.

Flight leaves at 7:20AM on saturday.. so we get to enjoy most of saturday, all of sunday and monday in St. Petersburg. We leave out Tuesday after lunchtime and get home around 5:45. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited.

I haven't had a true vacation since my baby sis and I went to vegas 3 years ago. I'm really looking forward to this. I can't thank Jenn enough for taking me with her and for paying my way. I'm still absolutely floored that she did that. I love having really great friends. She's one in a million. I can't imagine ANYONE else wanting to spend time with their friend so much that they'd put out that kind of money for a last second, spur of the moment, totally spontaneous vacation. If you don't know it already.. I love ya girlie. I really can't tell you how much I value your friendship.

Tomorrow I get to go to the Ortho doc about my back (the guy the hospital sends me to since the the workmans comp accident) and then 12:00 waxing (hey a girl needs to be bathing suit ready) and then off to find a swimsuit and maybe a pair of shorts or a mini. Hoping to drag Terra from work along with me for the shopping. She seemed like she wanted to go too.

Alright.. Enough of this. Night!

~J

Awake at 1:45 am.. YAY.

I have to work in the morning. I have to be UP at 0530 minimum. So why.. OH WHY am I awake at 1:45? It's all thanks to the combo of pain meds for my back pain and sleep. Apparently the two together lead to crazy wild dreams.

Anyway..

Went on a date with the Ex-bf last week.. was pretty awkward but nice... which lead to him coming over to hang out Sunday night for coffee at my house and a nice drive in my new car (he hadn't driven in the new Passats and wanted to take it out.) Anyway long and short at the end of the night he kissed me and everything seemed reaaaally nice.

I am still talking to and very much like the other man I've been seeing and I wanted to be honest with the ex and ask him where we were at right now. I told him I needed to know if he was ok with or wanted me seeing other people. (It's only fair.. had he said no I would have stopped. I did pursue him, after all, and he deserves for me to give him his full attention if that's what he desires) The answer kinda shocked me.

First.. no.. We are just "casually" dating and I am free to continue dating other said boy.
Second... "It's ok because I'm really not feeling a spark here like I did before..."

Wait, wait.. back up. What?! Seriously. He met me for coffee last sunday. Immmmmmmmediately asked me out to dinner which happened thursday. Then sunday asked me out again only this time offered to just "come hang out over there." We watched a movie and he was all kinda snuggly with me at that time and then at the end of the night when he hugged me he got this HUGE grin on his face and asked me "does this count as a second date?" and before I could even answer him he laid this "first kiss" style smoochin on me. Honestly it took my breath away for a second.. I was surprised by him. And now.....? Not really feelin' it? REALLY? Wow.

I guess I'm actually not too terribly dissapointed. I knew it was a probability.. I had hurt him pretty badly back in November.. but I honestly didn't expect it after this last week.

I do really like this other man alot. He's got something about him.. I can't get enough of him. He's mysterious and fascinating and a lot of fun. I would love to know more about him and why he's so "anti-relationship." He seems to have some commitment issues from something or somethings that has happened to him in the not-so-distant past that have carried over into his feelings on commitments (not that I am asking for one by any means) and his relationships now. I absolutely adore him though.. Just can't get enough. I'm perfectly happy with the way things are now... just would be wonderful to get to know more about him.

On ANOTHER note....


I'M GOING TO FLORIDA!!!!!!!!

So Jenn and I planned as last minute as HELL trip to Ft. Lauderdale, FL. We are staying at a resort on the beach and flying in Saturday morning, coming home Tuesday afternoon. I'm so freaking stoked. She's paying for flight and hotel because she was planning on going anyway and I really didn't have the money to go.. and by bringing me with her she gets to go on her cancelled vacay after all. How exciting is that?? I love that girl. We are going to have so much fun!!!

In other news we also tossed around the idea of us getting a 3-4 br house to rent together when both our leases are up coming next November (six months!!) It would be fantastic to have someone to share household bills with and Jenn is by far the most responsible person I know.. Way more than me even and I have yet to ever find anyone I trusted enough to be a roomate with my son. She loves kids and is already talking about how she can take him to school if I'm at work on her off days, etc etc. I love that girl.. we will make awesome roomates if this pans out. I sincerely hope it does... It well help me out tremendously.

In other news.. I got my acceptance letter to chamberlain college for the summer semester starting in June. I keep missing my guidance counselors calls though to find the next step. I know I need to fill out FAFSA I just haven't had time unfortunately. Hopefully I will know more friday when we get in touch with eachother.

OHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH and ONE MORE THING!!!

My sister and her hubby found out today they are having a girl!!!! YAY!!!! A girl in the family :) Ethan is soooooooooo excited and he keeps calling her La-Loo (Her name is Leilani Marie) HAHA.. it's so damn cute. I can't wait till he (and all of us) get to meet her in october. She's due right around E's birthday. How awesome would that be???


Ok.. Bedtime for jen.

Men are nothing but trouble.

I don't understand men.

The one I was chasing after for months who in my opinion had made it quite clear the last few weeks that he wanted nothing to do romantically with me has come back around.. Just as I was talking to and hanging out with someone else who I really think I could like a lot.

THEN.. said other boy gets all distant and I find out theres someone else who he's all upset over but won't talk to me about the details. I'm ok with that, I understand that it was just hanging out and nothing serious.. But I really got the feeling that he liked me a lot. I was kinda stunned by the fact that I apparently misread him completely.

I apparently suck at men in general and need to just go back to the previous six months' attitude of "I don't need them"

~j

So tired of the pain...

Seriously I'm so sick of pain that I don't know what to do. I can completely see how people get so depressed they want to hurt themselves from chronic pain problems. It's been over a year and a half now. I'm so frustrated because I will go a few weeks feeling really awesome and then BLAM it kicks me back down.

I've had the best last few weeks.. I've been doing great at work, rarely any PAIN... just discomfort. I came home yesterday feeling pretty uncomfortable and ended up taking some pills before bed. Today I was back to my usual pain-free self until about 4pm. By 6 I was in tears.. completely bitchy and unable to handle any kind of stress. So frustrated...

So frustrated and confused in so many aspects of my life right now... Bur I am happy overall.. I guess that's all you can ask for!

~j

Blah blah blah...

I have had an interesting few days...

So theres this boy. Yeah that's all you get.

Also Got to see Melissa this weekend for the first time since I went to her new house in NC back in June. Only got to spend 2.5 hrs with her before the sun thoroughly baked me. I'm a crispy fried redhead.. and now it's itchy.

Mothers day dinner at my house was good but I still have a mass of dishes to do. I've been lazy.

Ethan got me a sweet card that sings and he practiced it and walked around singing the chorus from Tim McGraws "Beautiful Wings" all night. It was sooooo cute.

I will avoid ranting about my shitty shitty day at work today.. but I do think stupid people should be lined up and put out of their misery firing squad style.

Ok done.

~j

Diseased and miserable!

So on top of my strep.. Ethan is sick. He came home from daddy's running fevers and miserable. I took him to his pediatrician who said he had a virus and not strep. By wednesday night he was hitting 104 and not coming down with meds so I took him in to the ER just to make sure it wasn't anything more. We were there from 11pm until 2 am. Chest xray was clear, Flu swab was negative... sent home with no new answers.

Poor Ethan has been out of school all week and missed a field trip and the big mother's day tea that they had planned. He was very sad he couldn't serve me tea and actually sung me the songs here in the living room. It was very sweet. I'm hoping his fever drops and he can finally go back tomorrow because he's hating life stuck at home :(

Count your blessings.

It's hard to live life everyday thankful for everything you have. We all do it. Wasted time spent thinking about all the little things in life that you'd change or wish were better...

I found out today that my landlord and his wife's 10 wk old baby is headed to Johns Hopkins for major surgery on Thursday. He has Biliary Artresia. It's rare.. and unfortunately tends to lead to an eventual pediatric liver transplant.

It floored me. I guess because I realize how hard it is to cherish every second you have with your children.. It's so easy to get overwhelmed with the tantrums, the dirty house, the toothpaste on the counters, transformers all over the living room, etc. I forget how absolutely blessed I am to have such an amazing little boy. He's smart and witty, he's funny, he's silly, and most importantly he's wonderfully healthy and happy.

Love every second you have. Be grateful for the friends and family and kids in your life.

Gogogo Turbo!

Exciting weekend for Jen.

I took James the little man's soccer bag friday night around 5.. dropped it off at his work. I was planning on going shopping for some clothes since I'm down 20 lbs now (22 as of today.) His dealership is next door to the VW dealership......

Long story short I came home that night with a 2008 Volkswagen Passat with a 2l Turbo and some kick ass features and a yummy salesman....

YAY... soooooo much fun to drive. I can totally forsee getting into trouble in that baby. I'm super excited to have it though!

I left the dealership in my shiny new car and hit Cogans with my people. Was out till 12 am. Good times. Woke up.. went to work.. left work and went to Jen's coffee shop to help her out with her big fund raiser. I went home briefly to change and then spent several hours getting sunburned and helping her clean up and put everything away. After that we went to get some drinks to celebrate her fantastic work for the foodbank and I took her home.. Left her house, let dog out, went to indian and hit the New Belmont for some yummy beers. I had a pretty good weekend up till this morning......

Woke up this morning and I couldn't speak.. throat hurt so bad I couldn't eat all day. I went to work and suffered through the pain and the goofy jokes mocking my voice until 3. I went to moms after changing and picking up books to give Tara for studying and I surprised them with the new car. Mom seemed pretty excited.. she liked it alot. Dad on the otherhand... who knows. I know I made the best choice for me though.. that's all that matters.

So anyway I ended up at patient first after realizing just how fricken sick I really am (and thanks to some prodding from Nate) and sure as shit I have strep.

I HAVEN'T HAD STREP SINCE I WAS A KID!!

So I'm out of work tomorrow because the hospital thinks I'll cause an epidemic and I'm currently home alone on the couch feeling like shit. I still haven't eaten any solid food all day bc I don't feel like I could actually swallow it. I had some standby campbells chicken noodle and I'm filling up on water. Took the first dose of antibiotics in the waiting room on my way out of the docs. Haha.

At least it's not the Swine Flu...LOL.

My Crazy Life.. Part 3: Dating disasters, Therapy, Etc.

So I've had my share of dating disasters in the period of time I was on and off with Ethan's dad.

After the divorce I dated a guy in Arkansas who I thought I was totally in love with.. he was 21, already had a DUI, lived with his mom, and had no education. (Not even a GED) He wanted me to move BACK to arkansas to spend a happy redneck life making trailor park redneck babies and drinking budlight until I was old and happily living in a trailor in the woods somewhere. Glad that didn't happen.

I had a guy I was seeing for a few weeks until he broke up with me because he thought he was going to be moving to California. After he found out he wasn't going to be moving again he decided he desperately wanted me back too late. I had already started seeing E's dad again and we were going to a counselor. He became very stalker-esque. Calling me and leaving messages about how he knows where I am, he knows I'm with "him", etc. etc. He got really scary. I finally had to threaten him with a magistrates order if he didn't stop. I can honestly say that he had me scared for my life there for a long time. It still makes me shudder.

Another fun and exciting adventure was the guy who ended up being the ex-husband of a girl I worked with and was a total freak. Total whore.. tried to take me back to the house he and his wife still lived together in. UHM??! He also shaved his arms and legs and all body hair and it was very disconcerting to feel arm stubble. Gross.

I dated a guy last year who turned out to be a 32 year old pothead with no goals or aspirations and who spent every last penny on drinking and eating burger king 5 days a week. He lived in a house that his mother owned and only had to pay the $1000 tax bill every three months but somehow still always had creditors calling. I just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. The final straw was when at 8am before the big OV parade he was hitting the bong at home alone before we left then proceeded to pack it into his little backpack that he was taking to the parade. At one point a buddy of his was snorting coke in his car sitting just inches from me.. I really like my nursing license. I am not putting myself in that kinda crowd. Just not worth it... especially for a loser.

I have great taste don't I?

This past summer I ended up in a very happy relationship with someone who had been one of my closest friends. We hung out at least weekly from January until April as friends and I started realizing I had feelings for him that were more than just the friendship I was trying to convince myslef it was. When we finally made it officially a real relationship it was immediately a very intense relationship. Not in a bad way or anything.. just trying to say we kinda skipped the whole dating thing and went straight into full on boyfriend/girlfriend falling in love from day 1.

I started seeing a counselor in November about all the craziness from the Ex-hubby and the baby daddy issues. I got crazy confused with all the emotions that the counselor was digging up and I ended up breaking up with him for no real good reason. I regret that.. but such is life. At this point we talk as friends but I don't believe he will ever want to return to where we were. I hurt him badly and he's had a lot of bad deals handed to him by past girls so I think theres really not going to be any recovery.

So that's the extent of my dating drama.

Next subject..
Counseling..

Counseling was hard for me to come to terms with needing. I'd gone 8 years or more since the divorce and had never dealt with the emotional issues that the marriage had left me. I had never really told anyone the details (not even James) before this summer. I talked to my now ex boyfriend in depth about the whole situation many times.. even before we were a couple. I came to the decision late-summer that I needed to go ahead and start seeing someone to talk about all of it and when I finally started he and I took a few week break because I told him I needed it to get this all started right. I spent 2 days a week an hour at a time talking with her about things that happened to me.. both with the exhusband and my sons dad. It was really hard for me because talking to her about all of it brought up alot of emotions and made me start to question every decision I have ever made.

It's funny how hard it is.. I wish I had known a little bit of what to expect. I guess I just didn't expect to be left so emotional and confused by the stirred feelings. She made me question everything from whether my past history was basically responsible for E's dad not wanting to marry me (I guess I just started to wonder if I had somehow pushed him away the whole time because I was afraid of the past being repeated) and talking about it all made me start to question whether I should be in a relationship at all. I looked at my life and saw failed relationships and marriages, and I saw how many bad decisions I'd made because of my emotional scars or whatnot.. I guess it all kinda freaked me out and made me feel like I owed it to the current boyfriend to spare him from the inevitable (which in my mind was me fucking everything up royally.) So in the end I threw that very great relationship away that made me really happy for the first time in my life. Se La Vie...

There should be a warning or a release. Something. The whole process is very overwhelming and scary and for me made me more confused and scared than I have ever been in my life. If any women happen to come across this blog who are going through this I have some advice.

1) Be prepared for a storm of emotions. I began to actually see an increase in my panic attacks and an increase in the night terrors and insomnia. I began to question everything I'd ever done in my life including decisions I had made and previously come to terms with. I pushed away the man I truly loved and wanted to make a life with because of the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I can't suggest enough that you turn TO the person in your life and not AWAY from them.

2) Don't expect to be able to go in there and deal with everything in a single visit or two. It's hard. It takes alot of time. It gets worse before it gets better. I spent alot of nights crying, thinking about things, etc.

3) Insomnia gets worse before it gets better in this case. The things you will be experiencing and feeling will most likely keep you awake thinking entirely too much. Don't be afraid to take meds if your doc prescribes them. I avoided my sleeping pills for weeks because I didn't want to get hooked, etc etc. She finally talked me into taking it every night for 2 weeks. By doing so I finally caught up on the past 6 months worth of insomnia and I actually found that I handled the emotions better (too bad I waited to do this until after bad decisions were made.)

4) Just remember that in the end.. you are doing this to better yourself. I feel like a whole person for the first time in a long time. I can look in the mirror and know who I am. I know what I want. I know that I can get through anything.

Ok that's enough from me. I've been working on this one for over a week. Hope it was somehow worth it to someone.

~Jen

My Crazy Life.. Part 2: Along came a baby boy..

So after I moved home from Arkansas I had a short stint as a cocktail waitress at the beach and then went to work at a Car Dealership as the secretary in the sales department. There I met my sons father.

We started dating a few days after the Independence day in 2001. I was still waiting on the finalization of the papers for the divorce at that time and had already found out about the upcoming baby of the Ex's. We had a really good relationship in the beginning but around December we almost broke up.. He had quit calling me, never answered when I called him, etc etc. We ended up going ahead and trying to work on things.. Then in January I found out I was pregnant and due in October.

He asked me to move in right away and things started to fall apart from there. He became a total workaholic and I was unable to work anymore after I almost lost my son in March. I had been selling real estate and when I tried to go out and find a job doing anything else (banking, cashier, secretary) no one wanted to hire me because I was already very obviously pregnant. During the time until the baby he supported me financially with all my bills and he helped get me into LPN school. I started the pre-req A&P class in September and Ethan was born October 7, 2002.

I remember many times when I was pregnant and when Ethan was a tiny baby, me crying talking to him explaining to him that even though daddy didn't love me.. he would always love him. I was already feeling alone. We lived as roomates from the beginning practically. Sex was rare, and when it happened I would roll over in bed crying because of the previously stated feelings of guilt, shame, and now add to it the feeling that I was sleeping with someone who really truly didn't love me the way I loved him.

I spent much of my time off work driving into my moms house (we lived 45 mins away) because it was too lonely to stay home. It never really was my home. He had gotten rid of all of my animals, he only let me move in my couch and a few of my lighthouse pictures, and for the most part I just felt like it wasn't home. He never included me in any decisions about the house.. anything from ceiling fans to building a new garage.. I never knew about any of the plans until they were started. I came home one winter day to find that someone had come out and sprayed the power/phone lines on the ground and found out that he had a 10k garage package being dropped off to the house from 84 Lumber the next day and that he and his dad had been planning this new garage for 10 months. TEN MONTHS and he never mentioned any of it to me.

Money he spent was always acceptable. He could go to the dealership and bring home a $500 new harley jacket or parts/accessories.. He even skipped work one day and came home with a new Harley. I didn't even know he was planning it, and he didn't bother telling me he was taking the day off work. I had to find out when I tried to call him to ask him a question at his shop and the girl told me he wasn't in today.

One summer when Ethan was 3 I had a car accident, which was the third in that vehicle since I'd owned it.. two of them being pretty bad. I decided that I felt safer trading it in for a new car than putting my son back into that car. I tried to discuss this with him and got a flat no, with no explanation, no discussion. After a week of thinking it over I went to the dealership to look and invited him to come with me. He adamently refused and when I came home with my new car he wasn't home. He didn't come home until midnight, he had gone out on a ride and not so much as left me a note.

After I bought the car he didn't speak to me for many months. He wouldn't even look at me. He slept on the couch, wouldn't eat the dinner I made them, left for work without speaking to me.. the whole deal. FOR TWO MONTHS AT LEAST! One day he came home with a white truck.. I thought nothing of it since as a mechanic he drove test vehicles home alot.. but after it had been around for several days I asked him if he had bought it. Yes. He had. Ok.. so my problem with this was that he once again treated me like shit about something I did even though he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. He now has 3 trucks and 4 motorcycles.. but if I so much as bought a few new tops or jeans, or bought Ethan a toy or clothes.. I was given hell about it and given the silent treatment.

That was his way of dealing with problems. There was no discussing them, there wasn't even fighting. It was just "you're wrong, i'm right, and i'm not speaking to you anymore."

I spent the entire four years we lived together trying to change everything about me to make him happy, to make him love me, to make him want to marry me and make us a family. I would spent the entire day cleaning the entire house to the point of being able to eat off the bathroom floor and he would come home and not even recognize it, or say a word. I never went out with any of my friends and I completely isolated myself around him because he never liked any of my friends and I still don't feel that he ever cared for my family. He would never go to family dinners wih us and even showed up hours late to Christmas dinner at my sisters house the first time she ever threw it. We would go months at a time without having sex and even when we did he wouldn't even kiss me.

I felt alone, depressed, worthless. I honestly don't think he's a bad person but he obviously never really did love me and just couldn't tell me for whatever reason. We broke up in march of 2006. I moved out and into my familys house after telling him I felt we needed counseling or to just end it.. he chose to end it. He said counseling was pointless.

I started dating a little here and there and once I was in a dating relationship for a few weeks he came back around, wanted to go to counseling, and even set up a few appt's. I went with him but after the second one I felt like he was only doing this because I was seeing someone else. I quit going. In august we went to a concert with Ethan and we started seeing eachother again. I stayed living with my folks and we dated for another year and a half. In that time we were actually pretty happy for the most part but I still felt something was wrong.

In october I had to have a medical procedure and was scared. I asked him to stay with me that night before and he said he probably would. That night was halloween.. he came and took E trick or treating and when he brought him home, he said goodbye, got in his car, and drove off. Never so much as telling me "I'm sorry but I just can't/don't want to stay." I was really hurt because I had really needed him to be there for me. In November I fell down a flight of stairs and trashed my back. I couldn't move, walk, work, go out, do anything for weeks. I was bedridden. In that time he didn't show up to the ER the night I called him from there, he didn't come by the next days, he only ever called to check on me and talk briefly and even that was rare. As I got better I got more and more irate at the situation and finally felt that if he really truly loved me he would have been there for me. I broke up with him. I couldn't take the loneliness anymore.

I dated someone for a few months and became good friends with someone I later began to have feelings for.. I broke up with the guy I had dated but the friend was still very close to me. James and I tried dating again for about 3 weeks before I realized that I was totally in love with said friend. When I came home from my big nursing exam weekend I finally came to terms with the feelings I had for the other person and moved on them. I told James I wasn't going to do this again. I couldn't be unhappy anymore and everytime we'd tried to work things out I always ended up unhappy.

I still have problems with the fact that I always feel inadequate in relationships. I fear that everything will just end up hurting me in the end. I will explain that more in another blog.. what I mean by that.. but for now I will just leave it with I have alot of commitment fears and difficulty not looking at things like they are going to end badly.

I will say that he is the most wonderful father I could ever ask for. He loves Ethan unconditionally and he is absolutely wonderful to him. I would never ever say a harsh word about how he is with my son. He just never loved me like that.. and I can't be unhappy for the rest of my life. I deserve to be happy.

Next chapter.. finally going to counseling, crazy dating history.

My crazy life.. Part 1: The first husband.

So forever ago my therapist told me to start writing a journal.. And seeing that I'm a child who grew up in the age of computers, bbs's, the all new and exciting "world wide web", etc.. The process of actually handwriting stuff baffles me and I choose to avoid it at all possible turns.

The point of all of that is that I figure since no one reads this anyway I will use it as a chance to vent some personal stuff. If you don't care.. don't fucking read it.

I will start with my ex-husband.

When I was stupid and 17 I got engaged to my highschool sweetheart. I talked him into joining the AirForce so that we would have the opportunity to move away to start our life, and because he was barely a high school grad with no real opportunities for supporting a wife and starting a life. He left for basic training a year before we were getting married. I spoke to him very little in that time, of course, since he was in training.

We saw eachother for a week in November before we were married to go to a weekend Catholic pre-marriage weekend thing. In that weekend he tried numerous times to get me to give in to doing "not so catholic approved" things when my female roomate wasn't around. They had us rooming with same-sex members of other couples who were there for the weekend as well. I didn't really think anything of it at the time.. but looking back now it was the beginning of what was to come.

He came back a week before the wedding and immediately I realized he was a completely different person than he had been before. I remember vividly a fight in the parking lot of the hotel that one of his groomsman was staying at about 3 days before the wedding.. It was the first time he ever called me a "stupid cunt" or a "bitch." I also remember very stongly the honeymoon. We fought the whole time.. and not normal couples kind of fighting.. knock down-drag out locked out of the hotel room fighting. I think I cried most of the week in Bermuda. It was the worst honeymoon ever.

We came home from the honeymoon and packed up our U-haul truck to drive out to Little Rock AFB, AR. When we left my mom took it really hard and actually almost didn't say good-bye. I remember her getting really upset and screaming and yelling at me about how I don't love her and I was leaving her to hurt her. After much drama she finally came and hugged us goodbye and we headed out. That night sometime around Nashville my dad called and asked how much longer we were planning on driving. I told him we were going to try to make it to about Memphis. Barely 30 minutes down the road my mom called screaming and cussing at me that I needed to pull over, find a hotel, and call her RIGHT NOW. So we did.. He was a total fucking asshole about it. I listened to him screaming at me the whole way to the hotel about how "fucked up" my mother was "in the head" and how I "better not end up like her." That's the most memorable thing I have from the trip. My mom was having a really hard time with me leaving and rather than trying to understand or calm me down (I was pretty hysterically crying) he chose to demean my family and threaten me with divorce if "that shit ever happens" to me.

After settling into the new house he got put working swing shifts. In the real world that means 3-11. I found a job as a bank teller at a local bank but we were barely making ends meet. I ended up quitting that job after some major issues with the shifts they were working me and the never ending girl-drama that accompanied working with 15 women who all thought they were somehow better than everyone else. I remember telling him I wanted to get a job as a waitress so that we'd have cash coming in daily, and because I remembered a girl coming in daily with up to $100-$200 in cash from her shifts the day before. This was a big point of contingency with him. He stated on many occasions that "all waitresses are fucking whores" and that I was going to end up "flirting like a whore with every customer I could get my hands on" just to make money. After I'd been unemployed for a few weeks I finally just went out and got the job as a waitress without his consent.

Funny how he didn't want me to do it until I started bringing home the cash. Within a month of me working for the restaraunt he quickly began to immediately confiscate every dollar I brought home. I used to have to beg him for enough money to go to the grocery store on my day off. After I had been there a few months I decided I really wanted to start going to the local community college. Again.. big problem for him. He adamently refused to allow me to go to school because it was "his job" to be the educated one. I wasn't allowed. I went against his orders and signed up for a full-time schedule of classes that semester anyway. I used our bank account and when he found out I honestly thought he was going to hurt me.

Over the next year there was more financial stuff.. he continued to take every dollar I made, refused to let me buy new clothes even though I had lost ALOT of weight and everything I owned was falling off of me, bought beer, soda, and playboys but never groceries. I was working double shifts and bringing home $100 a day on the weekdays and up to $200 on weekends.. yet somehow I never really saw any of it except what I spent on school and books (which I only went for 2 semesters) He however.. spend 500 bucks on a shitty old rusted out '79 trans am and within that year put 5grand into it of my money. Needless to say our financial situation wasn't good. He racked up credit card bills, owed his parents a huge chunk of money, and yet he blew every penny I brought home on that fucking car.

The entire time we were married our house was beyond dirty. It was disgusting. He never did anything around the house to help me, It was my job.. my duty as his wife. I was working double shifts AND going to school so I was barely ever home to do alot around the house. I would spend my days off doing dishes that he hadn't touched and because of my schedule I hadn't been able to get to. The kitchen always ALWAYS had moldy, rotten, disgusting dishes piled in the sink and laying all around it.. even left with food on the stove or counters. I will never ever be able to eat hamburger helper again because the smell of rotten, moldy hamburger helper in the sink will always and forever make me nauseated to my stomach to the point of wanting to throw up. My parents came to visit once and I will never forget how horribly embarrased I was at my house.

During the entire marriage there was this overruling theme of "it's your job as the wife" and that carried into my sex life. This is the hardest thing for me to talk about but I will try to explain.. since this situation has rolled over into my entire adult life and has caused me alot of hurt and bad choices. He was very forceful with me sexually. I remember way too many nights laying in the bed begging him to please stop already, please can we be done.. he would go for hours.. to the point I would be dry, bleeding, crying, in pain.. the list goes on. I still don't know how he could honestly go at it like that for sometimes up to 2 hours without ever finishing his business but I remember him telling me many times if I would just "be better" or "stop fucking crying.. act like you like it" he would be able to get off. He forced me on many occasions to give him oral as a punishment for losing arguments over stupid shit. I remember us jokingly arguing about whether my paycheck from work was 16 bux or 30. He was right in the end and when we got home he yanked the check out, waved it in my face to show me he was right, sat down on the couch pulled out his dick and told me to "suck it bitch. you lost." To this day I can't bring myself to do that. He bought a polaroid at one time and took pictures of me in some ridiculously skanky outfit. He made me pose for the pictures going down on him, and he took pictures while he had his way with me that night. To this day I don't know what happened to them. I pray that he was decent enough to dispose of them but I never really saw them again after that night.

In our marriage I would have to say that over 50% of our sex life was on his terms, when I didn't want it, and very hurtful to me emotionally. In my life now I find it almost impossible to be the person in my relationships to initiate any kind of sex and I find myself feeling guilty or ashamed of myself if it gets playful.

He never phsically hit me until late summer early fall of 2000. We were driving home from a night out to dinner where he drank entirely too much and I was behind the wheel. I went to turn into a parking lot and he screamed at me about my driving (this was a normal thing) and I slammed on my brakes in an empty parking lot to yell back. He backhanded me across my jaw so hard I could hardly eat the next day. When we were pulling up to the gate on base he told me I better not say a fucking word to the guard... I didn't. When I got home I immediately went to my closet and started throwing clothes into a suitcase. He began sobbing and crying uncontrollably and somehow managed to make me come out of that feeling like it was all my fault. This was normal.. he did it alot. It was my fault that he had to scream and call me a bitch and a cunt and a whore.. it was my fault that the house was always disgusting.. it was my fault that sex was so bad that he had to make me bleed just to get off... it was always my fault.

The next day he grabbed my left wrist during an argument and twisted it around until I was on my knees in a submissive postion crying, begging him to stop. He shoved me backwards with my twisted wrist and slammed me hard into a heavy wooden door. I remember I had to work that night, and as a waitress I used my left hand to hold my trays. I had to beg a coworker to go buy me a wrist brace so that I could work.

That night my manager pulled me aside and asked me if my husband had done it to me. He was a 28 year old married man who I quickly turned to as a friend. He and I started to have a flirtacious relationship and I ended up having an affair with him. My husband found out by reading my emails (another thing he did.. emails, phone logs, text messages, followed me sometimes to and from work to make sure I was going) and he called me at work to tell me how he had always known I was a whore. He also called my parents (MY PARENTS!) and told them I was a fucking whore and that I was cheating on him.

To this day I feel horrible about the fact that I had an affair, it's not the kind of person I am.. but I feel that honestly.. it was the best thing that could have happened to me. He was so disgusted with knowing what I had done that I was finally able to leave. I spent a month living at a coworkers apartment and had a rebound fling with her neighbor but I finally came home. My dad flew in, helped pack up my stuff, and drove home to virginia with me. I will never forget that trip with my dad. I had two cats in one cage, two ferrets in another, and a Beta fish named PunkAss in a cup in the truck cabs cupholder. It was probably the most uninterrupted time I've ever really spent with him and I'm glad he came.

After moving home I filed for a separation but in Virginia they require a 6 month separation before divorce can be filed. I paid 300 bux to some guy to write up the papers and sent them out to the husband. I got a phone call a few days later stating that he had filed for divorce there in Arkansas and because he was there we wouldn't have to wait. I flew in to sign the papers because I had wanted to go back to visit friends anyway. Papers got signed, flew home, and got a phone call from some girl randomly one night. She was apparently his new girlfriend and they were pregnant. She had been under the false impression that we were already divorced and wanted to know why we were calling back and forth to eachother still (it was about the paper signing.. that was it) I have never felt so duped in my whole life. I left him my Cougar, he kept his shitty as trans am, I got a 10 ft truck of furniture, and half of all of his debts. Had I known that he had a child on the way I wouldn't have agreed to screwing myself so badly... oh well.. it's all done now.

To my knowledge he's still married to this girl and they have several kids of their own in addition to the three she already had. I found his page on myspace one night and I still to this day want to write the meanest letter ever..... He's apparently a "servant of God.." and a total religious freak now. His #1 friend was Jesus.. he had bible quotes everywhere and blog posts about religion and God speaking to him through this and that.. I can't tell you how angry it makes me to think that this man who did so many horrible things to me is somehow in good with God? God may be able to forgive him.. but I never will. I was young, and he ruined me.

So theres part 1. If I can muster the strength to work on it again tomorrow I will start with part 2. :)

If you read this far.. holy crap. If you didn't.. it's ok. I did this for me.. not you.

Jen got drunk dialed...

Haha.. I got a 1 am phone call from the lovely Tricia. She was HILARIOUSLY plastered. So the outcome of the entertaining phone call was a probably trip to Charlotte again this weekend. She's offered to cover the gas just to sucker me down there.. Apparently I'm that effing cool. Just sayin..

Spent a good day with Mary yesterday.. Tea and lunch followed by getting to see her amazing condo and drinking wine on the deck. Afterwards I came home, changed, let the puppies out and went to see friends at Cogans for beer and cheese fries. Some awkwardness still but it shall pass. It does entertain me how completely freaked out everyone else is over the situation.. they aren't even a part of it.. Shouldn't I be the one uncomfortable and awkward?? Lol.

I'm trying to get the house where I want it. I still find it hard to hang pictures in a house I am only renting.. but I suppose hanging them is better than the giant stack of pictures I currently have laying on the fireplace footing. I need a motivation pill.. mostly for the act of folding clothes. I am great at getting them washed.. then they pile up on a chair, or the couch.. until I carry them upstairs fully unfolded and continue to iron them daily as I wear them. How retarded is that?

I'm currently taking a break from my cleaning this morning. I've been fairly productive. Yay for productivity~!

On another note. The sun hates redheads. You know it's summer finally when the redhead turns red. I went to E's soccer game saturday morning and I'm currently many shades of deep pink and light red. Argh. One would think that after 28 years of sunburn I would learn the benefits of SPF 60. I forget EVERYTIME to put it on.

I start working out again tomorrow (possibly today if I get the energy after all this cleaning.) I am finally almost fully recovered from the back injury a few weeks ago. I find my overall pain level is decreased significantly when I work out regularly. I'm also down 17lbs since September.. though it should be more like 50 if you count the 10 lbs I gained and lost about 3 times in that period of time.. haha. I am fially seeing SOME of my clothes fitting better. Mostly my shirts, not so much my jeans. I wore a shirt out last night I haven't worn since this time last year when I first bought it. YAY. (AND I think it actually looked ok.)

Ok.. back to the housework. Yay for me.

~Jen

Blah

So here I go again.. I had a moment and deleted all my blogs..



I have had an interesting couple of months. I think spending this time alone has really helped me become a better person. I'm working on a lot of stuff right now including the possibility of starting on my BSN pretty soon. School is scary.. but must be done.



I have made alot of mistakes this last year.. Many that cannot be fixed. I am, however, working very hard to fix what I can. I am trying desperately to get myself in a better place emotionally, financially, in general. I went to counseling to finally deal with the scars that I have from my piece of shit ex-husband. I have been working really hard to lose weight and am down 15 lbs since Sept. I have been working out as much as possible and trying to strengthen my back.

I want to be a better mom to Ethan.. Not that I am not a good mom, persay.. but I want to feel like I am somehow being the mom I always dreamed about being. As is I still get very frustrated with him when he's trying to play transformers OVER AND OVER again with me.. and I get overwhelmed when we are home alone for long periods of time. I'm still adjusting to us living alone. I have been doing silly projects with him like cutting up construction paper and creating stuff and we've been playing a lot of silly games. Again.. I find it hard not to get frustrated sometimes when he wants to play them OVER AND OVER and over again.. but I am working on my patience. I'm a work in progress.. guess I always will be.