No.. not me. I am perfectly single and at the moment I am ok with it. All the years that I tried so desperately hard to make things work with my sons dad I always had at least one really good friend standing behind me telling me that I needed to move on.
It's always hard to hear someone else telling you that you are making a bad decision.. that you are making a fool of yourself again. I never understood why my friends couldn't be happy for me and why they didn't understand that I loved him THAT much. Now I'm the one trying to hold back the advice so as not to hurt someone's feelings.
We always find it easier to hold on to the past and hope that it will get better than to move forward in our lives and allow ourselves to be happy with someone else. I know this all to well. I was so afraid of the future that I allowed myself to keep going back to a man who wasn't right for me. I still love him and will always cherish the time we spent together but he's never going to be able to give me what I need in a relationship. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do was get to the point in my life where I finally understand that.
It sucks being alone.. it really does. I have trouble sleeping some nights because I roll over reaching for someone who just isn't there. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who wants to spend their life with me and I guess I'm kinda starting to recognize the possibility that it will just be this way forever. It's hard and it hurts sometimes but I realize that regardless of all of that I am better off than spending my life with someone who I wasn't happy with. I spent 8 years trying to be someone else... Trying to be who he wanted, what he wanted, the person he needed. I felt like I had to change everything about myself to make myself someone worthy of his love. I spent every day of my life with him trying to figure out what else I needed to change to be the person he wanted me to be to finally be worthy of him wanting to marry me. After all those years and everything I tried to do to deserve a ring I finally realized I was never going to get it and I was never going to be able to change enough to make him love me the way I loved him.
I love with my whole heart and with everything I am. I deserve to find someone who loves me just as much. And so does the person who started this conversation. There is a reason things end the way they do.. You can't change the past. You can't pretend that everything is OK and you certainly can't forget the pain. As cheesy as it sounds you are a beautiful person. You can't just give up who you are for someone who didn't appreciate it before and certainly won't appreciate it now. I know how easy it is to let your mind wander and think that "this time things will be different" but I promise you they won't. Things will be all honeymoon happy for a while and then they will quickly resort back to the way they were. You know this.. it's happened before. So really why would you think it would be different the second or third time around? It won't. I'm sorry to say that.. you know I care about you. I'm not being hurtful.
Ah.. Love is a battlefield.
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