My Goals.

So I'm a huge fan of Chalene Johnson, A fitness trainer and very inspirational woman who is always preaching about the power of believing in yourself and making goals and to-do lists.

So.. In the spirit..

My goals for the future:
1) Finish my BSN since I am already into it.
2) 150lbs. Oh yeah.. It's a long way off.. but it's my goal.
3) Find relief from my chronic pain through medical treatment, diet, and exercise.
4) Become a certified personal trainer. I am hoping to someday be able to help others with my nursing knowledge and the experience I will have gained from my current endeavor to get healthier.
5) I am thinking about finding a way to use my history of rape/sexual/domestic abuse to help other people. I haven't decided yet just how that is.

Short-term goals:
1) Remind myself everyday something in my life that I am thankful for. I have so much bad in my life right now it's easy to forget about the wonderful. I need to start reminding myself that I have a lot in my life to be grateful for and happy with.
2) Sort out my current financial situation.
3) Entirely cut out all liquid calories. *The occasional healthy fruit juice will be acceptable but only when ok with my caloric intake.
4) Track all foods eaten. You are more accountable when you can see it.
5) Find new ways to get active. It is difficult right now with the pain, but I know i need it.. for my weight, sanity, health, and back.
6) Return to therapy to continue to deal with the issues I have been facing recently along with the continued control that my sexual abuse history still holds on my life.
7) Come up with new things for this list every day :)

I struggle every day through pain, depression, fear, and loneliness. I am trying to change my way of life and my line of thinking to be more positive and let myself take some valuable life changing lesson out of this struggle I am in. I have heard countless people tell me pragmatic sunshiney-happy sayings like "don't worry.. it can only get better from here" and the ever popular "everything happens for a reason." While it's always wonderful to know that people love and care about you and worry about your physical and mental health, I have to tell you that hearing these things usually makes me want to either cry hysterically or slap someone.

NOW.. I know.. I know.. I just said I'm going to start trying to live my life all shiney-happy-glass-half-full.. and I am.. but I must admit that right now people who are like that make me want to pull my hair out. Maybe it's because I have NEVER been that way. I have always been a pessimist and a critic. I have too many bad experiences not to right? Well.. I am starting now.. I am going to be that annoyingly happy, chipper, glass half-full person. Will it make a difference? Who knows. I know I can't change it overnight but hopefully if I can sit down at the end of the day and look at whatever frustrating or bad thing happened to me and try to see the positive in that thing then I am off to a good start.

SO.. My Shiney-Happy moment for today: The whole family has cabin-fever. We've been locked up together for three straight days during a storm! While this storm completely tested my patience and ability to love and see my amazing little man and all he wonderful things he has learned .

Hello 2 am Epiphany.

Yes.. It is indeed 2 am. I am wide awake, currently calming down after a hysterical crying in pain fit. I am tired. I'm frustrated. I wish my life wasn't all about pain and misery all the time.

So I'm laying here thinking that if I can't do much for myself right now maybe I can help other people. I realize I'm a nobody and it's probable that no one will ever read this blog. Hell.. I have had it for a while and have 0 readers. I am not a professional writer, I am not an overly interesting person, I'm no one special to most people, but I do have many things in my life I feel other people could benefit from. Last night I had a talk with a friend who had suffered a rape many years back and while I was crying, telling her about things I go through, she said "oh honey.. that's perfectly normal."

NORMAL!!! Do you understand how life altering it can be to realize that the pain you feel, the reactions you have, what you are going through is actually ok?! It took my breath away.

So I am going to start this blog from scratch for the most part. I am going to delete alot of old non-issue posts and I am going to concentrate this blog on my life as someone who has survived sexual abuse at the hands of her spouse, as someone who has been dealing with severe depression her whole adult life, and as someone who is suffering from severe debilitating chronic pain. I know that there are many many people in the world who would have the same sigh of relief as I did last night knowing that someone else can understand what they are going through.

The first three blogs on this page detail my story of sexual abuse and difficulties with relationships after. It's sorta a "introduction" if you will. I also have suffered from chronic pain for 2 years in my lower back but in March of this year I was injured at work and I have been incapacitated for the most part ever since. I was denied workers comp, my job let me go, I can't get unemployment, I have no income, and my son and I have had to move back with my parents because of the whole ordeal. I was scheduled for surgery on my back on October 8th but three days before it my surgeon got word that the insurance company was denying the procedure for red tape BS. He appealed their decision and was again denied and rather than chose to continue to fight them he gave up. He even told me in the appointment that he "had made himself look bad in the eyes of the insurance doctors because they didn't agree with his course of treatment." I'm appalled at the fact that an insurance company has that much power over physicians. It's sad really.

I am a 29 year old single mother and I am a registered nurse who has specialized in trauma, orthopedics, and neurosurgery. I loved nursing and it's very hard for me not to be practicing my profession right now. I miss helping people so maybe this can be my way of helping. I am struggling with weight issues now too. Since the injury I have become mostly sedentary and I have gained a LOT of weight. I am embarking on a journey to help myself conquer my use of food addiction to feed my loneliness, physical pain, depression, and stress.

I will try to write a blog regularly. I have not decided on a schedule yet but my goal for this week since it is already almost friday will be to get one more in this week. I hope to find new readers and people who are interested in learning more about the subjects that have effected my life.

I am going to start making goals for myself. It's hard to see the sunshine through the clouds sometimes.. and I have had many clouds in my life.. but I am going to start seeking the sunshine. It's all I can do!