After the divorce I dated a guy in Arkansas who I thought I was totally in love with.. he was 21, already had a DUI, lived with his mom, and had no education. (Not even a GED) He wanted me to move BACK to arkansas to spend a happy redneck life making trailor park redneck babies and drinking budlight until I was old and happily living in a trailor in the woods somewhere. Glad that didn't happen.
I had a guy I was seeing for a few weeks until he broke up with me because he thought he was going to be moving to California. After he found out he wasn't going to be moving again he decided he desperately wanted me back too late. I had already started seeing E's dad again and we were going to a counselor. He became very stalker-esque. Calling me and leaving messages about how he knows where I am, he knows I'm with "him", etc. etc. He got really scary. I finally had to threaten him with a magistrates order if he didn't stop. I can honestly say that he had me scared for my life there for a long time. It still makes me shudder.
Another fun and exciting adventure was the guy who ended up being the ex-husband of a girl I worked with and was a total freak. Total whore.. tried to take me back to the house he and his wife still lived together in. UHM??! He also shaved his arms and legs and all body hair and it was very disconcerting to feel arm stubble. Gross.
I dated a guy last year who turned out to be a 32 year old pothead with no goals or aspirations and who spent every last penny on drinking and eating burger king 5 days a week. He lived in a house that his mother owned and only had to pay the $1000 tax bill every three months but somehow still always had creditors calling. I just couldn't take it anymore and broke up with him. The final straw was when at 8am before the big OV parade he was hitting the bong at home alone before we left then proceeded to pack it into his little backpack that he was taking to the parade. At one point a buddy of his was snorting coke in his car sitting just inches from me.. I really like my nursing license. I am not putting myself in that kinda crowd. Just not worth it... especially for a loser.
I have great taste don't I?
This past summer I ended up in a very happy relationship with someone who had been one of my closest friends. We hung out at least weekly from January until April as friends and I started realizing I had feelings for him that were more than just the friendship I was trying to convince myslef it was. When we finally made it officially a real relationship it was immediately a very intense relationship. Not in a bad way or anything.. just trying to say we kinda skipped the whole dating thing and went straight into full on boyfriend/girlfriend falling in love from day 1.
I started seeing a counselor in November about all the craziness from the Ex-hubby and the baby daddy issues. I got crazy confused with all the emotions that the counselor was digging up and I ended up breaking up with him for no real good reason. I regret that.. but such is life. At this point we talk as friends but I don't believe he will ever want to return to where we were. I hurt him badly and he's had a lot of bad deals handed to him by past girls so I think theres really not going to be any recovery.
So that's the extent of my dating drama.
Next subject..
Counseling..
Counseling was hard for me to come to terms with needing. I'd gone 8 years or more since the divorce and had never dealt with the emotional issues that the marriage had left me. I had never really told anyone the details (not even James) before this summer. I talked to my now ex boyfriend in depth about the whole situation many times.. even before we were a couple. I came to the decision late-summer that I needed to go ahead and start seeing someone to talk about all of it and when I finally started he and I took a few week break because I told him I needed it to get this all started right. I spent 2 days a week an hour at a time talking with her about things that happened to me.. both with the exhusband and my sons dad. It was really hard for me because talking to her about all of it brought up alot of emotions and made me start to question every decision I have ever made.
It's funny how hard it is.. I wish I had known a little bit of what to expect. I guess I just didn't expect to be left so emotional and confused by the stirred feelings. She made me question everything from whether my past history was basically responsible for E's dad not wanting to marry me (I guess I just started to wonder if I had somehow pushed him away the whole time because I was afraid of the past being repeated) and talking about it all made me start to question whether I should be in a relationship at all. I looked at my life and saw failed relationships and marriages, and I saw how many bad decisions I'd made because of my emotional scars or whatnot.. I guess it all kinda freaked me out and made me feel like I owed it to the current boyfriend to spare him from the inevitable (which in my mind was me fucking everything up royally.) So in the end I threw that very great relationship away that made me really happy for the first time in my life. Se La Vie...
There should be a warning or a release. Something. The whole process is very overwhelming and scary and for me made me more confused and scared than I have ever been in my life. If any women happen to come across this blog who are going through this I have some advice.
1) Be prepared for a storm of emotions. I began to actually see an increase in my panic attacks and an increase in the night terrors and insomnia. I began to question everything I'd ever done in my life including decisions I had made and previously come to terms with. I pushed away the man I truly loved and wanted to make a life with because of the emotional rollercoaster I was on. I can't suggest enough that you turn TO the person in your life and not AWAY from them.
2) Don't expect to be able to go in there and deal with everything in a single visit or two. It's hard. It takes alot of time. It gets worse before it gets better. I spent alot of nights crying, thinking about things, etc.
3) Insomnia gets worse before it gets better in this case. The things you will be experiencing and feeling will most likely keep you awake thinking entirely too much. Don't be afraid to take meds if your doc prescribes them. I avoided my sleeping pills for weeks because I didn't want to get hooked, etc etc. She finally talked me into taking it every night for 2 weeks. By doing so I finally caught up on the past 6 months worth of insomnia and I actually found that I handled the emotions better (too bad I waited to do this until after bad decisions were made.)
4) Just remember that in the end.. you are doing this to better yourself. I feel like a whole person for the first time in a long time. I can look in the mirror and know who I am. I know what I want. I know that I can get through anything.
Ok that's enough from me. I've been working on this one for over a week. Hope it was somehow worth it to someone.
~Jen
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