So after I moved home from Arkansas I had a short stint as a cocktail waitress at the beach and then went to work at a Car Dealership as the secretary in the sales department. There I met my sons father.
We started dating a few days after the Independence day in 2001. I was still waiting on the finalization of the papers for the divorce at that time and had already found out about the upcoming baby of the Ex's. We had a really good relationship in the beginning but around December we almost broke up.. He had quit calling me, never answered when I called him, etc etc. We ended up going ahead and trying to work on things.. Then in January I found out I was pregnant and due in October.
He asked me to move in right away and things started to fall apart from there. He became a total workaholic and I was unable to work anymore after I almost lost my son in March. I had been selling real estate and when I tried to go out and find a job doing anything else (banking, cashier, secretary) no one wanted to hire me because I was already very obviously pregnant. During the time until the baby he supported me financially with all my bills and he helped get me into LPN school. I started the pre-req A&P class in September and Ethan was born October 7, 2002.
I remember many times when I was pregnant and when Ethan was a tiny baby, me crying talking to him explaining to him that even though daddy didn't love me.. he would always love him. I was already feeling alone. We lived as roomates from the beginning practically. Sex was rare, and when it happened I would roll over in bed crying because of the previously stated feelings of guilt, shame, and now add to it the feeling that I was sleeping with someone who really truly didn't love me the way I loved him.
I spent much of my time off work driving into my moms house (we lived 45 mins away) because it was too lonely to stay home. It never really was my home. He had gotten rid of all of my animals, he only let me move in my couch and a few of my lighthouse pictures, and for the most part I just felt like it wasn't home. He never included me in any decisions about the house.. anything from ceiling fans to building a new garage.. I never knew about any of the plans until they were started. I came home one winter day to find that someone had come out and sprayed the power/phone lines on the ground and found out that he had a 10k garage package being dropped off to the house from 84 Lumber the next day and that he and his dad had been planning this new garage for 10 months. TEN MONTHS and he never mentioned any of it to me.
Money he spent was always acceptable. He could go to the dealership and bring home a $500 new harley jacket or parts/accessories.. He even skipped work one day and came home with a new Harley. I didn't even know he was planning it, and he didn't bother telling me he was taking the day off work. I had to find out when I tried to call him to ask him a question at his shop and the girl told me he wasn't in today.
One summer when Ethan was 3 I had a car accident, which was the third in that vehicle since I'd owned it.. two of them being pretty bad. I decided that I felt safer trading it in for a new car than putting my son back into that car. I tried to discuss this with him and got a flat no, with no explanation, no discussion. After a week of thinking it over I went to the dealership to look and invited him to come with me. He adamently refused and when I came home with my new car he wasn't home. He didn't come home until midnight, he had gone out on a ride and not so much as left me a note.
After I bought the car he didn't speak to me for many months. He wouldn't even look at me. He slept on the couch, wouldn't eat the dinner I made them, left for work without speaking to me.. the whole deal. FOR TWO MONTHS AT LEAST! One day he came home with a white truck.. I thought nothing of it since as a mechanic he drove test vehicles home alot.. but after it had been around for several days I asked him if he had bought it. Yes. He had. Ok.. so my problem with this was that he once again treated me like shit about something I did even though he was allowed to do whatever he wanted. He now has 3 trucks and 4 motorcycles.. but if I so much as bought a few new tops or jeans, or bought Ethan a toy or clothes.. I was given hell about it and given the silent treatment.
That was his way of dealing with problems. There was no discussing them, there wasn't even fighting. It was just "you're wrong, i'm right, and i'm not speaking to you anymore."
I spent the entire four years we lived together trying to change everything about me to make him happy, to make him love me, to make him want to marry me and make us a family. I would spent the entire day cleaning the entire house to the point of being able to eat off the bathroom floor and he would come home and not even recognize it, or say a word. I never went out with any of my friends and I completely isolated myself around him because he never liked any of my friends and I still don't feel that he ever cared for my family. He would never go to family dinners wih us and even showed up hours late to Christmas dinner at my sisters house the first time she ever threw it. We would go months at a time without having sex and even when we did he wouldn't even kiss me.
I felt alone, depressed, worthless. I honestly don't think he's a bad person but he obviously never really did love me and just couldn't tell me for whatever reason. We broke up in march of 2006. I moved out and into my familys house after telling him I felt we needed counseling or to just end it.. he chose to end it. He said counseling was pointless.
I started dating a little here and there and once I was in a dating relationship for a few weeks he came back around, wanted to go to counseling, and even set up a few appt's. I went with him but after the second one I felt like he was only doing this because I was seeing someone else. I quit going. In august we went to a concert with Ethan and we started seeing eachother again. I stayed living with my folks and we dated for another year and a half. In that time we were actually pretty happy for the most part but I still felt something was wrong.
In october I had to have a medical procedure and was scared. I asked him to stay with me that night before and he said he probably would. That night was halloween.. he came and took E trick or treating and when he brought him home, he said goodbye, got in his car, and drove off. Never so much as telling me "I'm sorry but I just can't/don't want to stay." I was really hurt because I had really needed him to be there for me. In November I fell down a flight of stairs and trashed my back. I couldn't move, walk, work, go out, do anything for weeks. I was bedridden. In that time he didn't show up to the ER the night I called him from there, he didn't come by the next days, he only ever called to check on me and talk briefly and even that was rare. As I got better I got more and more irate at the situation and finally felt that if he really truly loved me he would have been there for me. I broke up with him. I couldn't take the loneliness anymore.
I dated someone for a few months and became good friends with someone I later began to have feelings for.. I broke up with the guy I had dated but the friend was still very close to me. James and I tried dating again for about 3 weeks before I realized that I was totally in love with said friend. When I came home from my big nursing exam weekend I finally came to terms with the feelings I had for the other person and moved on them. I told James I wasn't going to do this again. I couldn't be unhappy anymore and everytime we'd tried to work things out I always ended up unhappy.
I still have problems with the fact that I always feel inadequate in relationships. I fear that everything will just end up hurting me in the end. I will explain that more in another blog.. what I mean by that.. but for now I will just leave it with I have alot of commitment fears and difficulty not looking at things like they are going to end badly.
I will say that he is the most wonderful father I could ever ask for. He loves Ethan unconditionally and he is absolutely wonderful to him. I would never ever say a harsh word about how he is with my son. He just never loved me like that.. and I can't be unhappy for the rest of my life. I deserve to be happy.
Next chapter.. finally going to counseling, crazy dating history.
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