Hello 2 am Epiphany.

Yes.. It is indeed 2 am. I am wide awake, currently calming down after a hysterical crying in pain fit. I am tired. I'm frustrated. I wish my life wasn't all about pain and misery all the time.

So I'm laying here thinking that if I can't do much for myself right now maybe I can help other people. I realize I'm a nobody and it's probable that no one will ever read this blog. Hell.. I have had it for a while and have 0 readers. I am not a professional writer, I am not an overly interesting person, I'm no one special to most people, but I do have many things in my life I feel other people could benefit from. Last night I had a talk with a friend who had suffered a rape many years back and while I was crying, telling her about things I go through, she said "oh honey.. that's perfectly normal."

NORMAL!!! Do you understand how life altering it can be to realize that the pain you feel, the reactions you have, what you are going through is actually ok?! It took my breath away.

So I am going to start this blog from scratch for the most part. I am going to delete alot of old non-issue posts and I am going to concentrate this blog on my life as someone who has survived sexual abuse at the hands of her spouse, as someone who has been dealing with severe depression her whole adult life, and as someone who is suffering from severe debilitating chronic pain. I know that there are many many people in the world who would have the same sigh of relief as I did last night knowing that someone else can understand what they are going through.

The first three blogs on this page detail my story of sexual abuse and difficulties with relationships after. It's sorta a "introduction" if you will. I also have suffered from chronic pain for 2 years in my lower back but in March of this year I was injured at work and I have been incapacitated for the most part ever since. I was denied workers comp, my job let me go, I can't get unemployment, I have no income, and my son and I have had to move back with my parents because of the whole ordeal. I was scheduled for surgery on my back on October 8th but three days before it my surgeon got word that the insurance company was denying the procedure for red tape BS. He appealed their decision and was again denied and rather than chose to continue to fight them he gave up. He even told me in the appointment that he "had made himself look bad in the eyes of the insurance doctors because they didn't agree with his course of treatment." I'm appalled at the fact that an insurance company has that much power over physicians. It's sad really.

I am a 29 year old single mother and I am a registered nurse who has specialized in trauma, orthopedics, and neurosurgery. I loved nursing and it's very hard for me not to be practicing my profession right now. I miss helping people so maybe this can be my way of helping. I am struggling with weight issues now too. Since the injury I have become mostly sedentary and I have gained a LOT of weight. I am embarking on a journey to help myself conquer my use of food addiction to feed my loneliness, physical pain, depression, and stress.

I will try to write a blog regularly. I have not decided on a schedule yet but my goal for this week since it is already almost friday will be to get one more in this week. I hope to find new readers and people who are interested in learning more about the subjects that have effected my life.

I am going to start making goals for myself. It's hard to see the sunshine through the clouds sometimes.. and I have had many clouds in my life.. but I am going to start seeking the sunshine. It's all I can do!

Independent Medical Exam..

So tomorrow is my big day..

I have an "independent medical exam" to be done by a second neurosurgeon. He will have all my old films and CT scans and MRI's and he will look at my medical records and decide if the surgery is really necessary. There will be a nurse who is supplied by the "intermediary" people who are supposed to be like mediating between me and the Workers comp insurance company. She will accompany me to the appt, wait in the waiting room till he's done examining me, then he will talk to her about his opinion. I guess from there she reports this to the insurance company and then they will decide what they are going to do.. Either approve the surgery as a workers comp pay or they will deny and I then begin the ordeal of fighting with my regular insurance to get this done already.

I am soooooo ready to move on with my life. I want to be able to wake up painfree. I realize I may not ever be completely rid of the pain... but I maintain that if it even decreased the pain level by 50% overall it would truly CHANGE MY LIFE.

In the meantime I'm continuing my bachelors degree, I'm not working, and I'm just waiting patiently for things to be decided.

I will try to remember to check in tomorrow and update on how the appt went. :)

Why do we always go back to those who hurt us?

No.. not me. I am perfectly single and at the moment I am ok with it. All the years that I tried so desperately hard to make things work with my sons dad I always had at least one really good friend standing behind me telling me that I needed to move on.

It's always hard to hear someone else telling you that you are making a bad decision.. that you are making a fool of yourself again. I never understood why my friends couldn't be happy for me and why they didn't understand that I loved him THAT much. Now I'm the one trying to hold back the advice so as not to hurt someone's feelings.

We always find it easier to hold on to the past and hope that it will get better than to move forward in our lives and allow ourselves to be happy with someone else. I know this all to well. I was so afraid of the future that I allowed myself to keep going back to a man who wasn't right for me. I still love him and will always cherish the time we spent together but he's never going to be able to give me what I need in a relationship. That was the hardest thing I have ever had to do was get to the point in my life where I finally understand that.

It sucks being alone.. it really does. I have trouble sleeping some nights because I roll over reaching for someone who just isn't there. I don't know if I'll ever find someone who wants to spend their life with me and I guess I'm kinda starting to recognize the possibility that it will just be this way forever. It's hard and it hurts sometimes but I realize that regardless of all of that I am better off than spending my life with someone who I wasn't happy with. I spent 8 years trying to be someone else... Trying to be who he wanted, what he wanted, the person he needed. I felt like I had to change everything about myself to make myself someone worthy of his love. I spent every day of my life with him trying to figure out what else I needed to change to be the person he wanted me to be to finally be worthy of him wanting to marry me. After all those years and everything I tried to do to deserve a ring I finally realized I was never going to get it and I was never going to be able to change enough to make him love me the way I loved him.

I love with my whole heart and with everything I am. I deserve to find someone who loves me just as much. And so does the person who started this conversation. There is a reason things end the way they do.. You can't change the past. You can't pretend that everything is OK and you certainly can't forget the pain. As cheesy as it sounds you are a beautiful person. You can't just give up who you are for someone who didn't appreciate it before and certainly won't appreciate it now. I know how easy it is to let your mind wander and think that "this time things will be different" but I promise you they won't. Things will be all honeymoon happy for a while and then they will quickly resort back to the way they were. You know this.. it's happened before. So really why would you think it would be different the second or third time around? It won't. I'm sorry to say that.. you know I care about you. I'm not being hurtful.

Ah.. Love is a battlefield.

Oh my.. It's been a while!

So it's been a while since I posted. It turned out that there was something on the CT scan. The neurosurgeon found a bilateral pars defect at L5. I have since been out of work completely and awaiting workers comp to come to a decision about whether or not they will approve or deny the procedure. I have had ZERO income since then and things have not been going very well.

I am now moved out of my beautiful condo and back in with my mom and dad. I couldn't afford my place anymore and I didn't have the ability to get a roomate to help since it was only a two bedroom. A friend took over the condo and signed a new lease therefore relieving me of my contract. My landlord was very understanding and awesome about the whole ordeal. I'm still waiting to get my security deposit back.. hopefully soon since my car payment is already overdue and I have no income.

Workers Comp has not approved or denied my procedure and they are also not paying me for my lost income at this time. Because they still have it tied up I am unable to apply for short-term disability. I am beyond frustrated with the whole process right now and I am starting to feel like I'm being treated like a liar. I spend most of my days laying on a heating pad on pain meds. I have rare good days and try to take advantage of them when I can, but usually pay for it the next day with significantly worse pain than usual.

As far as my personal life goes.. who knows. I have met some really wonderful men lately but nothing that has gone anywhere beyond a few dates. I am baffled by the inability of most men to come right out and tell you that they are no longer interested. Is it really that hard? I just don't get it. Be a man.. don't just stop calling/texting. I guess it's hard enough for a man to want to get involved with a mom of a 7 year old but now add to it that I'm broken too.. I'm just not something that many men jump at the opportunity to be with. I'm ok with that I guess. I would love to be in love again and to feel like someone loved me.. but in the meantime I guess I really don't have time for all that in my life anyway. I have this back thing to work through and a lot of issues related to that. I figure someday maybe I'll find happiness again.. until then.. I have my son and I have my puppy... At least I know they love me unconditionally! I'm really only truly hurt by one of the guys.. it was more than just a few dates though. I really let myself start to let down my walls with him and of course felt like a jackass when he decided that regardless of any feelings he had for me he just didn't want to be with me. We are "friends" now.. so I guess at least there is that.

Oh well.. Time marches on and so shall I.

I don't know what else to ramble about right now.. I guess I'll just shutup for now. Will try to update more often.

Update

I am still not doing fabulous but I suppose I am getting along just fine.

Neurosurgeon doesn't believe that there is anything surgical. I am going back to follow up on tuesday to make sure that the results of the CT/Xray were ok. I am still on light duty until then. Hoping to get some steroid injections into the joint that he believes is severely inflamed. (My sacroiliac for those with some anatomical knowledge)

I have good days and bad. Last night was a decent day until I went to the movies to watch Transformers 2 and then by the end of the show I was dying. Ended up in tears at my friends house and he was totally flabbergasted at how to react to that. But he was sweet and did help by showing me he cared. I ended up not being able to sleep and driving home at 2:30 bc I didn't want to keep him up all night with my incessant tossing and turning and tears.

Life as I know it...

I went to the doctor that I have been seeing for my work injury on my back. It didn't go so well.

I have an inflamed nerve root at s1. What does that mean for me? I don't know. I am now referred to a neurosurgeon and on light duty again, but only until Monday. I get to return to full duty on Monday. I'm still having an exceptional amount of pain. It's debilitating. I am still waking up every single day in pretty severe pain, and I am unable to do many of the normal things I'd like to do in my life because of it. I can't walk far so I am not able to go to the mall, take my son for a walk to the park, etc. I can't workout. I can't spend alot of time sitting with Ethan while he plays outside.. It's depressing. I don't know how much longer I can live like this.

I am currently sitting in a patients room watching them lay there. That's pretty much my job for the day. The pt. is being ruled out for the fun fun flu (yes that one) So I am sitting here in a yellow gown, gloves, TB mask, and goggles. It's oh so hot. You know the thought of it makes you all hot...

I have NO idea how i'm gonna stay entertained until 3 :/ This is going to kill me. The chair is very uncomfortable. My poor back :(

Florida.. Here we come~!

You floridians have no idea what you're in store for.

Oh yes... You.. You in your souped up golfcart with shiney rims that you're driving down to the local pharmacy to pick up your blood pressure meds.. AND YES YOU.. crazy pain in the ass party kids who are there to get crunk and think they can pick up a one night stand....

You are in for an interesting weekend. See... Jenn and Jen are hitting the beach. Wear your BlueBlockers baby cause a pale ass redhead is going to pretend that the sun doesn't hate her like a fatman hates diet soda. I get to enjoy being a scathing bitch to random freaky dudes who try to pick me up... WHY? Because I'm on vacay and BY-GOSH I'm allowed to enjoy myself.. even if it's through other peoples misery.

Flight leaves at 7:20AM on saturday.. so we get to enjoy most of saturday, all of sunday and monday in St. Petersburg. We leave out Tuesday after lunchtime and get home around 5:45. I'm SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO excited.

I haven't had a true vacation since my baby sis and I went to vegas 3 years ago. I'm really looking forward to this. I can't thank Jenn enough for taking me with her and for paying my way. I'm still absolutely floored that she did that. I love having really great friends. She's one in a million. I can't imagine ANYONE else wanting to spend time with their friend so much that they'd put out that kind of money for a last second, spur of the moment, totally spontaneous vacation. If you don't know it already.. I love ya girlie. I really can't tell you how much I value your friendship.

Tomorrow I get to go to the Ortho doc about my back (the guy the hospital sends me to since the the workmans comp accident) and then 12:00 waxing (hey a girl needs to be bathing suit ready) and then off to find a swimsuit and maybe a pair of shorts or a mini. Hoping to drag Terra from work along with me for the shopping. She seemed like she wanted to go too.

Alright.. Enough of this. Night!

~J